Tag Archives: marriage

look out, it’s a valentine!

Posted on by under America, Australia, Books, Christianity, Family, Friends, Thoughts

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ve been thinking about a book store. I know, I know, such a romantic thing to think about, but at least I’m an honest bookworm. Unlike some people, who plan to get their party on by watching The Princess Bride, while drinking sparkling grape juice, I have no such exciting plans. In fact, as of this moment, I have no plans, so what can I talk about, Princess5_Lwhile the rest of the world is out receiving roses, going to fancy dinners, or perhaps bursting into tears because they didn’t get the aforementioned roses/dinners?

I was thinking about Christmastime in Australia, when I was spending my vacation with a friend in Brisbane. Of course, I was sick during that time, but still striving to achieve some aspects of normalcy, while mentally cursing all side effects of antibiotics. My friend and I went to visit a Christian book store, and I was thrilled. I’d been to our local book store in Emerald, many many times, but I hadn’t been into anything bigger for some time. And a Christian book store? My goodness, what fiction might they have come out with in the last year?

Oh, I knew, deep down, that I shouldn’t be buying much, because any book I bought, I would have to ship home. My Kindle was my mainstay for any book that I just HAD to have, and couldn’t get at the library. But in the meantime, real books were at my fingertips, and I was going to drool for all I was worth. And to make things even better, the book store had a coffee shop. Don’t ask me which one, it surely wasn’t Starbucks or Gloria Jean’s, but I could get a latte and carry it around with me. My body was probably going to object to it, later, because it was objecting to everything I put in it… but I didn’t care.

Oh, did I wander through that store and check out all the sections! But at first, I was very good, and only picked up one Christian fantasy book by Donita K. Paul, because I couldn’t find it on Kindle. It wasn’t as good as the originals in that series, but I still enjoyed reading it. And I found a biography of sorts, about G. K. Chesterton. Defiant Joy: The Remarkable Life & Impact of G.K. Chesterton is a biography, but it goes through the life of Chesterton by way of all of his writings. The whys and wherefores behind everything he wrote, how he was changed and how he changed others by what he wrote.

If you’ve never heard of him, it was his book, The Everlasting Man, that C. S. Lewis credits with bringing him to Christianity. And yes, if you’re only aware of Lewis because of The Chronicles of Narnia, please remember that he was a very well-known Christian apologist, as well. But Chesterton was a colossus in the field of writing and knew something about everything. He was the king of quotes, and I became of a fan of his, several years ago, when my summer staff kids and I were reading up on him.

So, I bought my two books, and thought I was finished. But opportunity mustn’t be wasted… I was in a book store, and found myself unable to sit still. I kept wandering around, and found a stand with all sorts of Christian magnets. Among them, I found some that were shaped like Australia, with Bible verses on them. Just The Five Love Languagesperfect for a few small gifts to bring home to my church friends! I went back up to the register, and bought those, too. I felt a bit silly, coming back again.

Finally, I was starting to get tired, so I went look for a place to sit down. And found a chair in a section I hadn’t noticed. Yes, I was in the relationship section. Oh, dear. And I say that, not because that section is upsetting (remember, I am single), but because I find it so fascinating. As a result, my wallet can be in danger. I told myself that I was done shopping, I didn’t need to go look at any of the books… but no, I couldn’t resist. I hopped back to my feet, and picked up The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, by Gary Chapman.

The reason I picked up The Five Love Languages is because I’d already read quite a few that were on the shelves there, and I’d never gotten around to that one yet. Think I’m joking? I’ve read two books by Emerson Eggerichs (Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs  and Cracking the Communication Code), two by Joshua Harris (I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl), and two by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn (For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men and For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women). There are probably several others, but I can’t remember them, at the moment.

These are all great books, by the way, and if the title interests you, check it out, whether you’re a Christian or not. These were written for everyone, because everyone is confused by the opposite sex, all the time, right? A girl pal and I have hilarious memories of booking our way through the Feldhahn books, while we were in Hawaii, and discussing them. Yes, both the For Women Only AND For Men Only. Because we all want to know what they’re telling the opposite sex about us, right?

I have many good examples of dating relationships and marriages that I’ve observed over the years, but I’ve always figured that as long as I’m single (and even after I get married, someday), why not learn everything you can, so you can try and avoid a few mistakes. Nothing wrong with being prepared. I think that a lot of marital and dating problems, nowadays, come from not preparing yourself for the work involved in a relationship.for-women-only Because honestly, do guys really understand girls, and do girls understand guys? Of course we don’t. So, read up, learn a few things, and prepared yourself for the fight to finish the most wonderful, exciting race you’ll ever run.

Oh, have you been raised to believe that marriage is the ball-and-chain situation, where all the romance drains away, and you eventually grow bored with each other? Well, if you put no effort into your marriage, then perhaps that is true. Love is an action and marriage is not all daisies and Valentines. You have days when you adore each other and days when you can’t stand each other. That’s because you’re human. But that doesn’t mean you can’t work your way through the good and the bad together and come out the stronger in the end.

There I go again, giving advice on something I haven’t yet experienced.  : )   No firsthand experience of marriage yet, sorry. But I have seen lots of long-lasting marriages during my whole life, from a family that I’ve been blessed to be a part of and a large group of friends, some my age and some older. I think if you can’t learn by observation… what are they there for, if not to observe? I know some of my friends and family members well enough to KNOW that their marriages are not easy, all the time, but that just makes the joys all the greater. I hope to follow in their footsteps, someday.

When I picked up The Five Love Languages, I was curious to know what my friends were always babbling about, talking about “their love language” and how their hubby tried so hard to speak it, even when his was another. Usually, they’re talking about what specific one that is their favorite to use, but they’ll have a secondary one. After opening the book, I was hooked on the first few pages… and went up to the cash register for the third time, figuring I had to take this one home with me. By then, I was exhausted by our expedition, so I didn’t move from my chair again, until it was time to go.

If you’ve never read this book, then let me explain a bit. The idea is that all of us uses a particular “language” to expressimage.axd their love or affection for those around them. You might not know what your own is, but you probably know what one belongs to some of your family. Because when you use it on them, they are SO appreciative. Or maybe they use theirs on  your all the time.

The choices are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Affection, Quality Time, and Gifts. Now, if you’re like me, you probably think that ALL of those sound great. But which one or two sounds better than the rest? There’s even a quiz in the book, to help you figure it out. Immediately, I know that one of my cousins uses the Gifts language, because the dear girl sends thoughtful and funny presents to people in the mail, all the time. She LOVES to do this, and all of her friends love that about her. So, imagine if someone gave her something delightfully thoughtful, wouldn’t she feel loved?

My suspicion is that a certain member of my family has the love language of Acts of Service… not just because she is always doing things for others, but because of how she reacts when one of us empties the dishwasher, does the laundry, clears the counters, and vacuums the living room. If you can make someone light up, just by giving them a hand around the house, do you think this might be one on their “language list”?

Short explanation (these may sound obvious, but give it some thought): “Words of Affirmation” is to express in words how much you appreciate someone and the things they do/are to you. “Acts of Service” is to show someone you love them by mowing the lawn, washing the car, and cleaning the bathroom. “Affection” is to show your love with hugs and kisses, the people that hug you as soon as they see you, or pat your back while conversing with you. “Quality Time” is spending time with that person, whether talking or just being with them, just so that you’re there and listening, not pretending to listen. And, of course, “Gifts” are what you receive from that person who thinks flowers, cards, and little gifts are just the way to show their love… all year long, not just on Valentine’s Day.

When I took the quiz, I came up with a three-way tie, which might be unusual. But then, I’m a little uncertain about the third one, because I only show affection to those that I’m absolutely closest to, other than that, don’t get into my personal space. If I am not 8749748_origclose to you, as a friend, you will be on my “hugging list”. If I ever get to date someone, then I’ll figure out how this one goes.

I was a bit shocked to realize that though I knew Quality Time would be on my list, Words of Affirmation was probably even higher on my list. Have I ever asked you if I’m bothering you, when calling you on the phone, or talking to you on chat? Yes, I have a tendency to think I’m in the way, so if I ever find someone who speaks that love language, naturally, I’ll be flying high.

Ok, I wasn’t really intending to do a complete soul-searching session there, but I thought you might be curious what I found for myself in that book, not just my family members. I definitely found that everyone should be loved and respected in a way that makes them feel loved. You might be showing them that you love them, but they might not realize it, because they don’t “speak” it that way, themselves. So, for Valentine’s Day, don’t just think about what color of roses your wife/girlfriend will like, but maybe think about whether you’re showing them love in the way that they can see it.

Don’t forget, love is an action. Love is a verb. If love was all mush and goopy feelings, we’d run the first time our loved ones got a virus that had them puking their guts out. You don’t feel the fluffy, butterflies-in-your-stomach when someone’s throwing up. Remember to act on your love, and show them how much you care. Forget about being selfish, for once, and put them first. They’ll love you all the more for it.

P.S. If you want something fun to WATCH, then check out Mark Gungor on YouTube, in his talk called A Tale of Two Brains. My Brisbane friend sent it to me, and I’ve been shrieking with laughter over it, the last few nights. Good advice and good fun, especially if the above subject interests you.

a holiday-of-hearts…

Posted on by under America, Friends, Thoughts

I’ve never paid much attention to Valentine’s Day. Before I went to Australia, I was working on my own during the camp off-season, having a limited social life that didn’t bring such things to my attention. If I noticed beforehand, it would be because I paid attention to the holidays listed on my ten different Lord of the Rings and Star Wars calendars. But then again, I didn’t buy those to check out the holidays, I bought them for the pictures.IMG_8794

This time of year, I’m usually becoming aware of the Cadbury creme eggs and other Easter candy that’s arriving in the grocery stores, not whether Walmart is carrying more red roses than usual. You have to steel yourself to walk by the dangerous candy, not worry that a Valentine will jump off the shelf into your cart.

And then I remembered last year. I was writing a post about love, dating, and marriage that turned into a slight rant about online dating. Well, maybe “rant” isn’t the right word, but I had some decided opinions on the subject. All of this, without realizing that Valentine’s Day was approaching. Honest! So, I hurried up my writing, and made sure it was posted on that day. What better way to get some new viewers to my blog?  ; )

So, I’ve just re-read my “i’m no dating guru” post. It made me want to laugh AND wonder exactly how steamed I was over the subject of online dating. To get me to be honest about my non-dating history, that episode of looking into online dating must’ve really set me off. I write better if I really FEEL something about the subject (either adoration, frustration, or rage, for example). And a year later, what I wrote still applies. All of it. I could have written that post yesterday, because everything I said is still true, about me and what I think concerning love, dating, and marriage. And everyone should STILL put their best foot forward, in life and love, whether you’re online or in person.

In the past year, I have explored the online dating scene once more, but I eventually got bored/annoyed with it. Please note that I said with “it”, the actual program, not that I get easily bored/annoyed with guys. I enjoy talking to people and getting to know them, if they give me a chance.

I found that the profiles had remained the same and the guys still suggested that you just need to “shoot them an e-mail”, if you’re interested. Whatever happened to deciding to chase a girl, in good earnest? These websites don’t seem to discourage their potential daters from this lackadaisical attitude. As helpful as online dating may be to people that live in a place where it’s very hard to meet people, the potential dater still need to be ready for a relationship, in order to make a serious try at getting to know someone.

Which leads me back to good old meeting-people-the-normal-way, and getting to know them. It’s never easy. I do extremely well when I’m on my “home turf”, and welcoming all the newbies to my favorite camps and conferences. In these places, I’m the regular that knows all the ropes, runs up and down the boardwalks for fun, and jumps up and down with excitement over new attendees. In places that I’m not so comfortable, I’m more of a wallflower, but I’m working on it. One day at a time, one step at a time, and very thankful for all the friendships that I already have.

I think I got off track. Did I have a track, to start with? I’m not sure. In the end, whether you celebrate Valentine’s Day or not, whether you get flowers or a card, be thankful for the friends and loved ones that you already have. If you don’t have a significant other, then don’t forget to call your parents and tell them you love them. Or your best friend. We would all be better off if we remembered to show love on other days of the year, and on this holiday-of-hearts, you can still show love to your friends and family. Some days, everybody could use a hug. Don’t forget that love is an action, so act on it, and brighten someone else’s day!

the happiness of weddings…

Posted on by under Australia, Family, Friends, Kids, Memories, Thoughts

There’s nothing more delightful than going to a wedding, and sharing in their joy, on their very special day. I was blessed to be able to watch Andrew and Caitlin vow to spend their lives together, and I know that the Lord will be watching over them. Congratulations to the two of you!

I will say that I’ve never been to a wedding where I had to coat myself with sunscreen and bug spray, ahead of time, but it was well worth it. The mutant mosquitoes were on the prowl, but I only got one or two bites. You may have guessed from my pictures that I was standing in the back. No, my camera’s zoom isn’t THAT good, otherwise, my pictures of the vows would’ve been better. I did crop some of them, though.

The happy couple had the perfect day for their nuptials, as it wasn’t too warm or too cool, and the sky was brilliantly blue, with very few clouds. Every bride and groom will take comfort in knowing that a sudden rainstorm won’t interrupt their day.

All of the wedding party did their jobs well and looked beautiful, handsome, and adorable, as the case may be. I’ll let you decide which word applies to the bridesmaids, the flower girls, and the groomsmen. The best man came through with the rings, though he smiled and winked at the audience, as if he might have chosen to misplace them. And my dear friends who were playing the piano and guitar, for the processional and during the register signing, did an amazing job.

One of my friends asked if weddings were like this in America, and I said that I thought so, except for the signing of the register. At home, in my experience, they usually sign the register after the wedding, out of sight of the wedding guests. Or perhaps, sometimes at the reception. But this was the first time I’d seen it as part of the ceremony, and guests are actually allowed to walk up the aisle to take pictures. I was a bit leery of this, feeling like I shouldn’t do it anyway… but I did, and got some lovely pictures, as a result.

While we came to see the bride and groom, a wedding is a wonderful place to see friends, get dressed up, and get some memories onto your camera. As I’m leaving soon, I will cherish these times that I was able to spend with all of my wonderful Australian friends. And nothing helps you remember, like looking at photos. And what would this wedding be, without pictures of the bride’s nephew, in his little suit and bow tie?

Andrew and Caitlin, we’re praying for your marriage, and we love you!

i’m no dating guru…

Posted on by under Friends, Memories, Thoughts

I have never been on a date. In fact, in my own opinion, I’ve never officially been asked out. But a few people might differ with me on that. When I was in high school, I was so revolted by the serial dating scene that since then, I’ve never been able to consider high school dating as real dating. You can ask my younger brother, if you don’t believe me. With a few exceptions, it’s all stupidity in the high school years (and the stupidity often continues for a while, afterwards).

After I graduated, I worked in a book store, and a random German guy asked me to have coffee with him. I’m sorry, but “Have coffee with me? I need a girlfriend.” wasn’t the usual response to my question of “May I help you?”, when I was the resident magazine lady. I was so startled (and slightly alarmed) that I went and hid in the back until he left the store.

So, feel free to decide for yourself whether that counts as being “asked out”. I no longer know, nor care.

Contrary to how some thirty-one year old women may act, as they listen to their “biological clock” ticking away, I am not desperate to be married. I believe that the Lord has the perfect man for me, somewhere out there. I am not always patient, but I do try. For all the things that I forget to leave Him in charge of, I tend to leave my love life in His hands, because I’d screw it up if I tried anything.

This leads up to the big reveal, and the actual point of this post. For all of my “it may have worked for you, but I will never, never, never try online dating” statements, I was conquered by the same thing that killed the proverbial cat. Curiosity eventually got to me, and over a year ago, I went exploring the world of online dating. Nothing happened, of course, and between getting bored and getting packed to leave for Australia, I closed my account and forgot about it.

But 2012 rolled around, and I became curious again, so I opened up my account once more, updated it, and waited to see what would happen. I don’t have anything against a long-distance relationship, even when I’m in the U.S., so that part hasn’t bothered me. And I don’t hide the fact, on my profile, so everyone’s aware. And I’ve been remembering what some of my wise friends have told me, that I can’t put God in a box, and deny that He can even use such a thing as online dating to bring people together.

Well, I may never have been on a date, but for years now, I’ve been watching both friends and family start dating, get engaged, and get married. And even after they get married, I’ve seen them keep the romance alive by continuing to have dates. So, I know how this works, even when I haven’t experienced it personally.

Assuming that you want to make a good impression on a first date, you take a shower (hygiene is a good thing), make your face and hair presentable, put on a comfortable, flattering outfit, and show up on time. You present yourself in the best light possible, by showing off your good manners, keeping the conversation going (but not all about you), and let your date see what a nice, lovely person that you are.

When it comes to online dating, however, why do all of these things go out the window? I’m going to sound like I’m picking on the guys, but I’m really not. I’m just not interested in going out with girls, so it’s only the guy profiles that I get sent to my inbox. I’m betting there are plenty of girls who mess this up, too. And there are plenty of people doing it right, and I hope you know who you are.

If you have a first date, you want to give an excellent impression, so that you will have the possibility of a second date. So, if you’re using online dating, then when do you make your first impression? With your profile! Everything from your pictures to how you answer the questions, these are the only things a potential date is going to see. And if you’re like me, you get about seven new profiles sent to you, every single day. So, are you going to study them in detail, every single one? Probably not. First impressions are important!

Firstly, I know that most people are not spelling freaks, like I am. I understand that it doesn’t come naturally for most. That’s ok. But you wouldn’t fill out a resume for a new job without checking for spelling and grammar mistakes, so why should you fill out a personality profile on a dating site, and not check these things, also? To my eye, when you don’t capitalize words, spell everything wrong, answer questions with one word, and use LOL constantly, I think that you’re uneducated, probably lying about being an engineer, and not really interested in impressing a woman.

Because I am unimpressed by your lackadaisical manner in looking for a woman to fall in love with, I wonder if you’re you taking this seriously. Do you want a woman to take you seriously, unless she’s equally uneducated and uninterested in giving a good impression? Get someone to check your profile for you, if you’re unable to spot these things yourself. I try to not delete profiles because of this, but it’s extremely tempting.

Pictures. Boy, do I have issues with the pictures that I keep seeing. I don’t care if you consider yourself ugly or handsome, you still need to put your best foot forward and let a girl see what you’re really like. That includes what you look like. Is this not too obvious? If you have the option of putting twelve pictures online, do it. I don’t consider myself photogenic, so I tend to think that people need to see multiple pictures of me to get even an impression of what I really look like. If you want yourself to become three-dimensional to someone, give them something to look at.

And while you’re uploading ten to twelve pictures, look for the ones that show you at your best. They can be self-portraits, but they don’t have to be taken in front of a mirror! You can aim a camera at yourself, and take pics until you get a nice one. Don’t waste your time, or mine, taking pictures of yourself when you’re pretending to look “cool”. I’m not interested in how cool you can look. I’m more likely to think you’re immature and being stupid, so why would I even read your profile? Take a variety of poses, in different clothes, or in different places. Once you get the hang of it, it isn’t hard. And if you’re not familiar with how to get your best self-portrait, aim the camera at yourself, and laugh! Yes, pretend someone just said something really funny. It works!

Have a picture with you and your dog, or you in your car, but if the picture is primarily of your car (or there are several pictures of just your car, instead of you), I’m going to think that cars are the most important thing in your life, and how can I ever compare? Or maybe that you’ll spend all of your married life washing your car, instead of spending time with your wife. I don’t have a problem with guys liking cars, but in a marriage, I want to be put ahead of your car. Don’t start off by making me think that your automobile is the most important thing in life to you.

Your cover photo on your profile should be of just you, or a really good one of you and someone else… but label which one is you! I don’t want to be falling for your brother, and then be disappointed that you’re not him. And if you’re going to post a picture of a girl snuggling up on your shoulder, you better tell me it’s your mom or your sister. How do I know you don’t have a girl on your shoulder every weekend? As for large group pictures, sure, put one in there (only one or two), but make sure I can see you. I’m not interested in your family reunion photo until I’m dating you. For now, I want to see what you look like. Besides, if your group photo has you with a bunch of guys, I may decide I’d rather have the one next to you. Make sure your pictures show me YOU!

For example, six of my pictures are just of me. By the way, seven of my total pics are self-portraits. Start practicing. Some of them, I’ve cut my friends out of the picture, but that doesn’t mean I love them any less. The picture is whole, somewhere else. Several pictures have children in them, because I’m a nanny, and work with kids, but each one shows me at my best, smiling naturally. I don’t look like I picked a kid up off the street, just to make you think I like them. Some of the kids are my young cousins, and we’re having a high old time in the pool. But you can still see my face clearly. Two of them have me wearing my Aussie Akubra hats, and one was taken in Hawaii. These show where I’ve been, that I can have fun in different headgear, and that I love to travel.

Don’t take pictures of your boat or the scenery. I have thousands of sunset photos in my albums, I don’t need to see what it looked like when you were at the beach. Likewise, I don’t really need to see just your dog, just your car, the view from guard duty at night in Afghanistan (to our military men, I love you, respect you, and thank you for your service… but this one still applies to you), any sunset/sunrise, or any picture that doesn’t involve you. If we eventually meet, I will learn all about these aspects of your life. These pictures may decide whether I click on “Close Match” or not. Don’t mess it up.

I’m sure I’m skipping more things involving pictures, but to finish up, don’t post old photos of yourself. Some of my pictures are a few years old, but they still look like me. I don’t care how adorable you were in diapers or in grade school, no woman wants to date your childhood self. If you had long hair when you were twenty, and you have no hair now, put your recent photos up. You may prefer having hair, but your future wife may appreciate that you have the maturity now that you lacked then.

And though I nitpicked on spelling and grammar, earlier, all the guys out there really need to consider what they write about themselves, and work on it. You don’t have to lie about yourself. You just need to BE yourself, and make the best case you can, that you are someone worth knowing. When the dating program asks you to write what’s most important to you, don’t just say your family. Tell us WHY they are important to you. When you’re given difficult questions, such as “What would you like people to notice about you right away that they don’t usually notice?”, don’t just say “I dunno”. Give it some thought, and make your best answer. Make it look like you put effort into it! I’ll admit, that question has stumped me for a long time, but I always had an answer, even though I’ve changed it fifty million times.

Mention your interests, and why you find them interesting. Tell us what you find exciting about life. Don’t take this the wrong way, but if you were applying for a job, you’d be trying to market yourself, and get the company to think you’re the best choice for what they’re interested in. You’re the best person for the job, make them realize it. In this case, you don’t want the right woman to overlook you, so make her give you a second and a third glance. Make her realize, in writing, what she’s missing by not considering you. Give an honest spiel that makes you look even more interesting than YOU think you are.

And my favorite question, and one that may decide whether I even look at you, is “What is the last book you read, and why did you find it interesting?”. I don’t have to marry someone that is as big a bookworm as I am, but they do have to have an appreciation for books. If you say that “I never read” or “I only read magazines”, I won’t ever look at your profile again. Now, there are lots of non-bookish girls out there, but what if she sees that you never read and thinks you’re uneducated? Uninterested in learning or in improving yourself? If you don’t read books, as a general rule, tell her what you DO read. If you spend your time on the internet, reading articles by pundits, haven’t read a book lately, because you’ve been studying too hard for your Master’s degree, or you spend hours poring over every article in the newspaper, then put that in the box. Don’t leave it empty or say “I don’t read”. Some of us will put YOU in a box, the Closed Match box, and you won’t even realize why.

This is a rant that I’ve been wanting to get out for a while now, and when I started thinking about it, I hadn’t realized that Valentine’s Day was coming up. So, even though I’ve never received flowers on Valentine’s Day from anyone but my dad, I’m not worried about it. My turn will come. In my family, we put the emphasis on showing love (and giving flowers) on other days, not just the week of the year that the supermarket runs out of flowers. But I am ranting for not just my sake, but for yours. If you want to find that special someone, and you don’t want to be overlooked by accident, then remember that what you put into print, and into pictures, on that dating profile is the first thing a potential date will see.

Don’t miss your happily ever after, just because you didn’t run the spell-check. Or any other silly reason, for that matter.

a solemn promise…

Posted on by under Movies, Thoughts

I didn’t know it was possible for me to want to go outside (during this Australian summer) in order to thaw out. But that’s just what happened after I went to the movies last time, and forgot to bring a hoodie or a pashmina scarf to huddle into. By the time we left the theater, my friends probably thought I’d been crying during the movie, because I kept blowing my nose. In actuality, it was like when you’re outside on a cold winter day, and your nose feels like it’s probably dripping, but since it’s numb, you can’t quite be sure. Hence, the blowing of the nose, and the presumption that I’m in tears. In fact, as good and as enjoyable as the movie was, I didn’t shed a tear. So there.

The movie I saw was The Vow, starring Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum. I knew, going into this, that it was based on a true story, and what the main plot was. But because of how it was advertised and filmed, I kept thinking I was in a Nicholas Sparks movie. Which is why I continued to be pleasantly surprised, as bit by bit, the story was revealed.

[Spoiler Alert, if you haven't seen The Vow yet, don't read any further!]

I’m not saying that I don’t like movies based on Nicholas Sparks’ books. I’m just picking on his movies as an example of how Hollywood films “chick flicks”. And while I think that a chick flick of that sort can be very enjoyable, they can be and should be so much more than eye candy. Like most women out there, I saw The Notebook, and loved it. But only later, did it begin to register that I was so caught up in the romance, that I was blinded to the characters’ morals.

Ok, I’m going off on a rabbit trail for a bit. I will come back to The Vow, eventually.

In The Notebook, you are immediately touched by the beauty of James Garner’s character looking out for the woman he loves, even when she no longer remembers him. And as he tells her their story, you’re delighted by young love and the mischief the two of them get into. But then they’re apart, and she begins to find love with another man, and agrees to marry him.

Of course, then Noah comes back into her life, and she has to choose between the two. Everybody remembers the iconic fight and kissing-in-the-rain resolution that ends up with the two of them in bed, and she wonders what she’s missed by not having sex like that before. But while you’re caught up in the romance, you’re missing something. She is lying and cheating on her fiance. Has anybody ever realized this?

Sure, all movies nowadays seem to tell you that love is the only important thing, and you should never say no to it. Well, they’re talking about passion and lust, not love. Love is an action, an unselfish one, that has nothing to do with mushy feelings, but everything to do with looking out for the best for the other person.

Yes, I believe that sex should be saved until marriage, and only for the frame of marriage. Whether you agree with that or not, the definition of true, everlasting love, is not found in the selfishness of cheating and lying. Allie is cheating on her fiance, and considering that she promised to marry him and love him forever, she is now living a lie, by her actions. And I despise a cheater, especially one who denies that they’ve done anything wrong. When the story finishes, nowadays, I’m glad that Noah and Allie stuck with each other, through thick and thin… but I feel sorry for the man she ditched, just because she couldn’t keep her clothes on with another man.

Let’s return to The Vow, shall we? I like Rachel McAdams, but since she stars in The Notebook, you can see why it would be easy to mix up the two movies, right? And though I’ve never seen Dear John, I’m aware that Channing Tatum was in that, so there’s some more Sparks movies for you. I also think that Channing Tatum is gorgeous, but when it comes to him, I’m most familiar with seeing him in She’s the Man. And the two leads may have a great scene in the kissing booth, but when I think of him, all I can hear is “I like cheese.”, in that confused tone, as Viola attempts to coach him on how to talk to girls. That movie’s a scream because of Amanda Bynes, by the way, and because it’s based on Shakespeare.

When the lights come down on The Vow, I know some of what’s coming, but not exactly how the story resolves itself. Leo and Paige are a young married couple that get into a car accident, and Paige loses her immediate memory, including every memory of how she met and married her husband. We see numerous flashbacks of loving moments in their married life, before the accident, and every girl will wish that she was in Paige’s shoes. Their wedding in the Art Institute is beautiful, and yet funny, when they’re almost caught by security.

I want to congratulate someone on this film. Either the couple it’s based on, or the screenwriters, or someone. Because if they’d made it like every other chick flick or rom-com out there, I wouldn’t have liked it so much. It must have been almost irresistible to fall into the usual cliché moments in the story, but I think they escaped a lot of them. So, congrats to someone.

Leo is crushed by his wife’s not remembering him, and the possibility that her parents may take her away from him. He could’ve turned to another woman in this story, just for a one-night stand, but he didn’t. Where was Hollywood? Paige only remembers her previous fiance, but she doesn’t remember dumping him. She does kiss him, almost accidentally, but there’s no bedroom scene with these two, either. Paige’s sister may seem a trifle flighty, but when her future husband expresses nervousness over their upcoming nuptials, the film doesn’t turn it into a fight scene. This would have been the chance to show this man wasn’t really wanting to get married and that his future wife was a witch, just out for money and the “achievement” of marriage, or the approval of her parents. Instead, Leo’s character uses some wisdom that he’s used from the music world, and leaves both almost-newlyweds smiling.

So, if you can’t have the snarky sister who’s really a bitch, when no one can see her, what do you have left? The parents that are trying control your entire life, of course, and who would rather you went to law school than art school. Paige doesn’t remember why she left home and avoided her family for so long, and we find out later that Leo knew, but didn’t tell her. Because despite the things that the Thorntons did wrong, he didn’t want to drive her away from her parents, just to get her back. He wanted to win her love again, the right way.

As for her parents, her dad (played by Sam Neill) wants to separate Paige and Leo, even suggesting Leo divorce Paige. Leo knows the truth about the past, and walks away from a fight, though he calls Mr. Thornton a hypocrite and a coward, first. Paige discovers from a former friend that he friend and her father had an affair, and her friend apologizes. Upset by not being told, Paige confronts her mother.

This is my favorite scene, bar none. Yes, the romance is beautiful, but I think this scene has something even better for the viewer. Mrs. Thornton tells her daughter that she didn’t want to lose her again, and Paige wants to know why she didn’t leave her father. Her mother says that “chose to stay with him. I chose to stay with him for all the things that he did right, not for the one thing he did wrong. I chose to forgive him”.

That’s powerful. Because forgiveness in the face of that type of betrayal should be impossible. But love is an action, and this woman acted in love. Love for her children, and the hurt that their separation would put them through. Love for her husband, and all they’d had together before his fall from grace. This is true love in action, and the willingness to fight for a marriage, even in the face of something that most of us would crumble under.

If you are reading this, and you’ve been in this situation, I am not judging anyone for what they did, as a result. Only the love of Christ would enable me to forgive, if I was put into that situation. I am only saying this is a type of strength, love, commitment, kindness, and forgiveness that you will rarely find in movies nowadays. And I applaud the filmmakers for allowing it to reach the screen, without editing it out.

Paige has heard about all the things that her own husband did right. And now, though she doesn’t remember her love for him, she has to consider that she could choose to get to know him again, to love him, because of how he loves her, and has taken care of her for so long. And she does go away, to find out how she is again. In a way, she really did have to “find herself”, because she doesn’t remember who she had become in the last few years. But eventually, she’s ready to go back and fall in love with her husband again.

During this whole time, Leo does his best to show her his love, in action, even when he doesn’t feel like it. Sure, he snaps and yells, now and then, but don’t we all? He puts up with embarrassing situations with her family, drives her places he doesn’t want to be, and encourages her by showing her what she did and loved before. When she changes, he takes it in his stride. He loves her, so he’ll grow with her and love her as who she is, no matter what. Isn’t that what he vowed to do? A solemn promise, a vow, an oath, whatever you want to call it. He made that vow, and he’ll keep it.

I don’t think I’ve done this subject justice, but I tried. I hope many people go see this movie, whether it’s Valentine’s Day or not. This movie has some good things to say about the true meaning of love, and I think everyone needs a dose of that, all year round.